Funny Jokes and One Liners: February 2016

Jockey and the horse

A jockey is about to enter a race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'Hoola Hoop!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Hoola Hoop" in the horse's ear. The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "HOOLA HOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse. What is he - deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf? He's not deaf. He's blind!"

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Roger & Edward

Two men, Roger and Edward were walking their dogs when they passed by a restaurant.

Roger: “Let’s go in and get something to eat,”

Edward: “We can’t, don’t you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED.”

Roger: “Don’t worry about it.”

Roger took out a pair of sunglasses and walked up to the door.

As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door.

Roger: “I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog.”

Doorman: "But it’s a doberman. Who uses a doberman as a seeing eye dog?”

Roger: “This is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a good job.”

Seeing that it worked, Edward tried walking in with his Chihuahua. Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said “don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.”

Thinking quickly Edward responded in a angry voice “You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

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Hollywood Movies

5 things Hollywood movies taught kids:

1 Chinese have nothing better to do than teach or practice Kung-Fu.

2. The purpose of school system in the USA is to promote basketball.

3. More than 50% of the US Population are FBI/CIA agents working undercover .

4. Aliens have a special interest in attacking USA

5. If a man has survived a mishap with a lady. then he is entitled to a kiss, no matter if he met the lady only that day.

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Three guys

Three guys, a technician, a programmer and an analyst were riding in a car.

The systems analyst is driving and when they come to a steep hill he finds that the brakes have failed and the car is accelerating out of control.

So, the driver pumps the emergency brake, down shifts the gears, and rubs the wheels' rims against the curb. He finally wrestles the car to a stop.

The three climb out and assess the situation.

Technician: "Let’s try and fix it. I'll crawl under the car and take a look. "

Analyst: "No. I think we should get someone qualified to fix it, a specialist in brakes."

Programmer: "Why don't we just get back in and see if it happens again?

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Martin and Cop

Martin’s car is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over.

The cop says “Step out of the car; I am going to need you to take a Breathalyzer test.”

Martin says “I can’t, I have bad asthma and it can set off an attack.”

The cop says “Then I will have to take you in for a blood test.”

Martin says “I can’t, I am a haemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”

The cop says “Then I will need a urine sample.”

Martin says “I can’t, I also have diabetes that could push my sugar count really low.”

The cop says, “Ok, so come on out, and walk a straight line then.”

Martin says “Can’t do that either.”

The cop says “Why not?”

Martin says “Well, because I’m drunk!”

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Plumbers

A maths professor, Ronald was having problems with his sink so he called a plumber. The plumber came over and quickly fixed the sink. The plumber gives a bill of $1200 to the professor. Professor is furious and tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my pay check." But he pays it anyway.

The plumber tells him, "We are looking for more plumbers. You can become a plumber and double your salary. Just make sure you say on your CV that you only made it to 8th grade. They don't like overqualified people."

The professor takes the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary doubles but the company makes an announcement that all the plumbers must get a 9th grade education. So they all start going to the night school.

On the first day of the night school they all attend maths classes. The teacher asks Ronald, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?"

Ronald walks up to the board and is about to write the formula but he forgets it. So he begins to derive the formula, and ends up filling the board with complicated maths. After staring at the board for a few minutes he looks back at all the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!